I'm Not Getting Married Today
by Zane's Girl- Jo
Summary: Elphaba has more than just pre-wedding jitters on her wedding day. Cute little one-shot. Based on the late great Madeline Kahn's performance of the same song. AU.


**(I'm) Not Getting Married Today**

**Rifiuto: Non Miriena**

**Summary: Elphaba has more than just pre-wedding jitters on her wedding day. Cute little one-shot.**

**A/N: I've changed Paul to Fiyero, and Hudson to Ozson. Also inspired by Madeline Kahn's wonderful performance of this song- she does a wonderful job, it's no wonder she's one of my favorite actresses! If you want to see it, just type in _(Not) Getting Married Today-Madeline Kahn- Company_ into Youtube. You're talent is missed, Madeline!**

The soft white silk rested against her green skin like snow on a green meadow. The bouquet rested gently in her hands, and she felt Glinda check her veil one last time before making her entrance. Soon, the doors opened, and Elphaba looked out at the packed church.

_Shit!_

She stumbled, and turned, seeing her father, Frex, standing next to her, slipping her arm through his.

"Ready Elphaba?"

She shook her head.

"Relax. It's just a few steps and then you'll be marrying your college sweetheart."

She looked at him like he was insane.

_"Who?"_

"Fiyero."

Elphaba nodded, trying to clear her head.

It was the longest aisle she'd ever seen.

Her heart leaped into her throat, and she felt every nerve snap in fear. Suddenly, an eighth of the way down the aisle, she stopped, pulling her arm out of her father's. Taking a deep, reassuring breath, followed by a gentle clearing of her throat, she addressed her loved ones here to see her wedding day.

"Pardon me, is everybody here?" No one replied. "Because if everybody's here, I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding and I'd appreciate your going even more. I mean you must have lots of better things to do. Oh, and not a word of this to Fiyero, remember Fiyero? Yeah, you know, the man I'm gonna marry?" She asked, nodding towards her groom-to-be. "But...but I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is--" She lost her train of thought, and then jumped, suddenly remembering something. "Thank you all for the gifts and the flowers. Thank you all, now it's back to the showers- all of you. And don't tell Fiyero, but I'm not getting married today."

Her father grabbed her arm, and turned her back towards the front.

"_What_ has gotten into you, Elphaba?" He whispered. She looked at him, eyes wide in fear.

_"What do you mean?"_ She squeaked.

"Fabala, I understand you've got pre-wedding jitters, but you've _got_ to relax."

Suddenly, she remembered the question Fiyero had asked hours before:

"Honey, I can't find my cuff links, have you seen them?"

Followed by her reply:

"They're on the dresser." _Right next to my suicide note!_

Her heart sped up again, and she wrenched away from her father, going to the nearest pew. Then, she grabbed one of the guest's hands- Milla's, probably- and held on.

"Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for." Milla gently detatched herself from Elphaba, and gave her a small smile. "A wedding, what's a wedding?" The young woman backed away, bumping into her father. "I'll tell you what a wedding is. It's a prehistoric ritual where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of. Which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize he's saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should--" She glanced at Fiyero, who stood shocked at the fact that his bride-to-be was rattling on and on like a chattering Monkey.

She let out a laugh. "Thanks a bunch, but I'm not getting married! Go! Go have lunch cause I'm not getting married--You've all been grand, but I'm not getting married-- Don't just stand there!" She let out a screech, grabbing a fistful of her skirt and jumping up and down, before losing her temper when she realized no one was moving. "Go, can't you go? Why is no-body listening?!"

She let out a moan, going to the other side of the church, trying to convince the whole church to leave.

"_Goodbye!_ Oh, I know! Go and cry at another person's wake. Or if you're quick, for a kick, you could pick up a christening!" Desparate, she collapsed to her knees, pleading with them. "Please, on my knees, there's a human life at stake!" When they didn't move, she looked around frantically.

_"Mine!"_

Letting out a screech, she climbed to her feet and turned to them all, before removing her veil and wringing it between her hands. Now, she was on the verge of paranoia.

"Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear- or do you really want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you? It...it isn't only Fiyero who may be ruining his life. You know we'll both of us be losing our identities?" She let out a nervous laugh. "I....I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to see him Monday, but you _know_, by Monday I'll be floating in the Ozon with  
the other garbage--"

An idea struck.

"I'm not well! So I'm not getting married-- you know, you've been swell, but I'm not getting married." It hadn't worked. "Clear the hall!" She cried, attempting to shoo them all towards the exit. "'Cause I'm not getting married! Thank you all, but I'm not getting married-- Agh!"

Having had it, she marched to the pulpit, and looked out at them all.

"_Go! Please, can't you go?_ Look, you know I adore you all," She said, wringing her hands, her veil forgotten on the aisle floor. However, her bouquet was still in her hands. It was then that she heard the thunder, her head snapping up and her eyes lighting. Then, she turned back to the guests and her bouquet. "I mean, really, why watch me die like Eliza on the ice? Look, perhaps I'll collapse in the apse right before you all." She subconsiously began to rip the roses out of her bouquet and toss them on the floor.

"So take back the cake, burn the shoes and boil the rice." Then, she turned to Fiyero, leaving the pulpit and marching over to him. "Fiyero, look, I didn't wanna have to tell you, but I may be coming down with Hepatitis, and I think I'm gonna faint, so if you wanna see me faint, I'll do it happily!" She turned back to the guests. "But wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch  
a funeral?"

Another laugh.

"So thank you for the twenty-seven dinner plates, thirty-seven butter knives, forty-seven paperweights, fifty-seven candleholders--" Quickly, she began listing off the gifts the guests had gotten them. It was then that Fiyero finally found his voice.

"Honey, one more thing--"

Elphaba turned back to him, taking a deep breath. "I am not getting married!"

Gently, Fiyero pulled her to him.

"Softly said--"

She struggled, trying to make them all- especially Fiyero- see reason. "But I'm not getting married!"

He pulled out the ring, and took her hand. "With this ring--"

She pulled away. "See, I'm not getting married!"

He took her hand again, and gently slipped the ring on. "I thee wed."

She shook her head. "I'm not getting married!"

The priest spoke up at that moment,

"Let us pray,"

She shook her head again, violently.

"That I'm not getting married today!"

It was then that the guests joined in with a spiritous, "AMEN!!!"

"Elphaba._ Elphaba_!"

She snapped out of her daydream, and found herself looking into Fiyero's blue eyes. Quickly, she looked around, finding herself in the church, at the front of the church, with Fiyero by her side, exchanging rings.

"What?"

"Are you okay?" He asked, concerned.

"Wh.....what's going on?"

He watched her, concerned.

"Our wedding."

"What?"

"It's our wedding! Remember?" He asked gently. She looked away, glancing at the floor, seeing no veil. Then, she reached up, feeling the veil on her head, and the bouquet in her hands. Finally, she looked up into his eyes again.

"We're getting married today!" He nodded, a smile appearing.

"I know."

"We....we're getting married today!"

Before he could reply, she launched herself at him, capturing his lips in hers and wrapping her arms around his neck. He stumbled back, regaining his balance as his arms went around her waist, holding her inches off the ground. Both vaguely heard the priest say, "You may now kiss the bride."

When they gently broke the kiss, Elphaba rubbed her nose against his, and whispered,

"We got married today!"

He just smiled, kissing her again, before asking,

"Cold feet?"

She returned the kiss, before replying,

"You have _no_ idea."


End file.
